Coming out is the very personal process of making your identity, as a member of a sexual minority, visible in the world, to one degree or another. The coming out process is different for every person, occurring at different ages, life stages, and in different ways and settings.

Sexuality is on a continuum and only you get to define it. Coming out is part of a journey of identity formation, self understanding, and self-acceptance. The coming out process begins with coming out to yourself about who you are as a sexual being. This may be a frightening process, especially if your sexual orientation is socially condemned, or it may be an epiphany, liberation, or an affirmation of what has been apparent or suppressed for a long time, or all of the above.

No one should force or pressure you to come out until you are ready. Coming out means you are ready to cope with the social consequences of visibility and homophobia, such as possible rejection, loss of employment or housing, or even violence. You are the one who determines when, where, and to whom you should disclose your identity, and, foremost, only you get to define your sexuality and safety.

Queer-identified persons learn very early to compartmentalize their lives into separate zones of safety: being out in some arenas and closeted in others. We often choose to come out when the risks to our dignity and integrity outweigh the risks of disclosure. Be prepared for initial negative reactions from some people. Remember, it took time for you to come to terms with your sexuality, and its important to give others the time they need to deal with this revelation. Build confidence for yourself by first coming out to trusted individuals, and have a support system in place for you to debrief your coming out experiences. In many cases the coming out process is positive, with people saying that they knew all along and were waiting for you to disclose. If the reaction is negative, remind the other person that you are the same individual you’ve always been, and provide them with resources, such as PFLAG or books on the subject, to support them on their journey of acceptance and understanding. Remember, disapproval or rejection is
no evidence of your lack of worth or value.

Coming out may be a lifelong, continuous process. As more security is established, you will come out to more and more people and in more aspects of your life. This integration process will allow you to become less reliant on others for your positive self-concept and increasingly to have more positive relationships with yourself and others. It does not, however, take away from the reality that homosexuality or Queer identity is still seen as transgressive in many areas of society, and a judicious awareness of your safety continues to be important for your self-protection.